am I lost?

Gmorning dear diary.
Been thinking a lot lately. I don't even know where to start. But here goes.. I've been thinking about what my conversation was about one time before. With vinot..

I was Somehow just telling him about
"how girls takes all the little things a guy does & turn it into Something So complicated in their own little mind & they hurt themselves. because the truth is, some guys just wanna be friends."

.....and I told him I didn't wanna be amongst those kinda girls. and Vinot actually said something that made me realize Something else. he told me,
"you can.. yes you can try not to be amongst those girls, but don't let it become a wall, that at some point.... you don't even see what is in front of your eyes, are for real"

I do understand what he's trying to say.. and I kinda actually thought about it. and at Some point, I do see it now.. that I actually built walls around myself that its so hard for people to even reach me, to know me, to feel me. I become so numb that sometimes, I dont know what love feels like, what caring is all about, what friends are really like. without me realizing, I actually stop living life.. as me. I stop understanding what life is all about. what the hell happened man. I feel So numb. where did "i" go? I always felt like I have a complete life. I do actually. I do. but everything I do I feel empty. God knows what's missing. Have you ever felt so strong that it made you feel weak? long days, long nights and you just can't sleep sometimes?
..or have you ever been so sure that it gave you cold feet? well I get that a lot. a lot alright, till at times I feel so bare I can feel my heartbeat pounding fast.

What else am I looking for? I seriously don't know. I really don't. but walau apapun terjadi, I know that God is with me. all the time. Insyallah I'll be alright. amen~